I believe having these thoughts help me move forward, it can help improve myself and other things in the world.
I have narrowed the cause of the negative thoughts and emotions down to two reasons, the first one is ego. When I say ego I mean the part of me that wants to look fashionable, have the latest and best gadgets and always look good through the eyes of others.
The little me that only exists so I can be accepted socially as the person I want to be seen as. The first post in this series and my about me page where I described myself was my ego also, it’s just my thoughts creating a self to show to the readers the type of person it wanted to be seen as in this book. I am not made up of those things as those things and circumstances have changed throughout my life and I have always stayed the same.
Ego even includes making myself a victim of something like a sufferer of asthma, dyslexia and anything else physical or mental I can identify myself as a person with. So when I dislike my brilliant new job and the negative thoughts arrive it’s usually because I don’t want to be seen by others as a failure who earns x amount and amounts up to nothing.
Its ego saying I am better than this, I feel embarrassed being seen in my crappy old car because my ego gets damaged, I get seen as that guy in the crummy old purple corsa, who needs a haircut a shave, and wears old clothes. So my dead end job can’t get me my new car and the negative thoughts are given birth from my ego which is nothing but more thoughts! I am starting to see a pattern of pointless thinking having a major impact on my life, even as I am writing this.
The second reason the negative thoughts and emotions can arise is a more genuine reason. It’s more of some sort of force pushing me, it feels like a good force telling me to take action but the same negative thoughts crop up and the force dies down or disappears completely then I get lost in thought once again.
I believe this force to have some sort of higher purpose, it’s defiantly not a thought, but can create positive thoughts which could help my life a lot or turn into negative thoughts and unhappiness. So I am going to look at it as a pointer in life, a pointer which tells me I must take action to follow my life’s purpose.
Looking back again, it’s answering and taking action on the force or pointer which has moved me to the next stages in life. It has never been the negative thoughts or emotions that moved me onto my next job or achieving the next goal. The thoughts just prevented me from taking action, polluted the actions I did take and added misery to me and others around me. Maybe it was me not taking action when the force arose which led me to think I disliked the current situation. Something was telling me to go somewhere but I didn’t answer.
So why don’t I answer?
Why don’t I take action when this push comes?
I believe it’s my ego again, keeping me protected from losing more of myself. Afraid of being seen as a failure, being looked at differently by friends and family, the feeling and the fear of losing my image is all just my ego protecting itself. Just more useless thinking saying things like “There is no jobs out there”, “I’ll never get a better paid job than this”, I can’t afford to buy a new car”, “what will everyone think if I quit my job”, “what if the business doesn’t work”. Just thought after thought keeping me from taking action, holding me down and forcing me into a false sense of security. But every time I have took action I have ended up in a much better situation. (Until those thoughts crop back up)