Unspoken

People think I have lived a sheltered life. With experiances like mine I chose to remain silent than to spill it all over the world. You wouldn’t think that if you knew me and thinghs I say on my facebook page. But here we go.

My life hasn’t been simple, it all changed at 16, I got my girlfriend pregnant but I was just a child myself. The fear that consumed me threw me into deep thought and depression, what was I to do, I had a baby due, 5 months into our pregnancy I still hadn’t told a soul, I thought it was the end of the world.

Me and my Daughter 🙂

Everyone had told me, I dramatically changed after that moment in my life, and now I know why. I withdrew from everyone and everything, It was too much pressure for someone so young, it was this that shapped who I am, why I matured so young.

She was always a blessing, the situation I speak of above is not about her, just the emotions and situatiojs experianced so young having her so young, that goes for her mother too. We both had a lot to deal with.

I leave the rest unspoken…..

I’ve supported my partner through an eptopic pregnancy, stood by her in the hospital while being told her fallopian tube needs to be removed, so no pregnancy and it will reduce her chances of reproduction.

A few years later, I’ve noticed her missing for over an hour, I called out to her and could only hear her wheeping, I went into the bathroom to find her sat on the toilet, tears dripping down her face and holding something in her hands. I tried to open her hands but she wouldn’t let me, as I convinced her it’s OK, she opened her hands to me.

She was holding with tissue a clear sack, our baby which had a little body inside with fingers and toes, i could see dark red blood at the back of the babies head. My emotions were strong but I held her tight and told her to let go, we wrapped “it” in tissue and disposed of “it”…. A miscarriage as this would of been my third child but we were still only with one.

I leave the rest unspoken…..

I’ve ran to the heart wrenching screams of a 15 year old child coming home to find his dead farther, who’s a friend of mine too. Only in his 50’s, we found him with his arms on his chest with fingers curled in, from a heart attack.

My wife helped calm him down and keep him away while I move his dad’s stiff, lifeless body from the sofa, to a recovery position, with a first aider and waiting for the ambulance. I supported his children in the best way I could.

I put together a slide show presentation for his family and displayed it at his wake to show his great life here on this earth.

His name was Bob and we were neighbours for a while, we used to have a smoke together and long talks about the greater important things in life. I missed him, always happy and always looking out for others. More of a friend to my wife at the time.

I leave the rest unspoken…..

I’ve supported a terminally ill farther, my farther in-law. I’ve walked him to the shops, helped him through doors, been there for him at late hours of the night when he needed things in hospital. I watched him deteriorate until his life left his body completely. The whole time I watched his daughter go through seeing her father die, I married his daughter early,  so he could have his last dying wish of walking her down the isle. I supported his daughter after his death the best I possibly could…

I leave the rest unspoken…..

My lover for 6 years my wife for 3, suddenly became cold to me? No longer welcomed me home at lunch, no longer wanted me around. She would keep herself distant and start random arguments?

Why I never understand? So after sometime maybe 5 months she broke up with me and I decided to move out, to which I still didn’t understand, we wasn’t perfect but we’re married and had every reason to work hard at our relationship.

As time went on my brother was also experienced turmoil in his relationship, in fact the very same week they split up also.

My brother would be at my wife’s confiding in each other, but i still didn’t see or realise….. 3 months later I get a phone call… It’s my brothers ex wife, she continued to tell about how my wife and my brother had cheated together, nearly 5 months before we separated….  On the hen night of his wife’s wedding.

My heart would stop, my eye sight go blurry, tears dropped…. To which I had another phone call, this time my wife, explaining to me what had happened in detail! I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t think I couldn’t feel.

That same day I went to see my kids as I looked after them every day.

My brother came to talk, what I felt I don’t know, it’s been blacked out, maybe to protect myself, we spoke, he explained, I said Ok. The end.

They continued to live together with my children, I was forced to spend time with them at Christmas and in weekdays, the only other choice is not to see my children.

Only after they seperated I was able to start healing but it took for me to break before they seperated.

Since all this, so much has happened and still continues to, I can’t speak of a lot because just this post includes people who may not like me to mention them. Everything is true so I will state my experiance to you.

When I spromote happy joyful living with spirittual and religious practices, I don’t do it from a place of nievity, I know what the world is like. I not only see, I feel and experiance great suffering I just don’t allow it to defeat me anymore. Count your blessing just as much as you do your downfalls and you will see life isn’t that bad.